Conversational and Relationship skills

There is a voice in my head telling me to speak about this, which i long wanted to, but.. don't have the time until now. So as of now i shall try my best to explain to myself what is wrong with me so that i can settle this social issue and correct it in the way that i intend it to be.

Now i don't know whether i can do this, but i think it goes like this. Sometimes i can handle the people around when i feel hyped out or when i feel in the mood to engage in everybody around me. But there are times when i just would not want to approach other me, even for those whom i know pretty well. Is it because of my personality or does this happen to everyone else???? i'm bewildered myself as i am still searching for answers why am i reacting this way.. Well i do know that people do have their off days, but does that mean they are not suppose to talk more to other people.

Now that i've mentioned one of those really irritating issues, lets proceed to the next one.

That first issues brings me to the next annoying thing on how to approach other people just like other famous guys and happenign people do. Is it because they are loud and spontaneous that there are able to be the talk of the group?? I began to discover actually after experiencing....that....self-confidence and being less concious about yourself does make a lot of difference on how u approach or communicate to someone else. Because when confidence comes, then your facial expression and the tone your voice or click in together like a cake and its mould before. But though i know that this works, sometimes i feel like not doing it, i mean showing those confidence. I think form now on i must impose this requirement on myself to change, that i must emerge from my comfort zone and do stuff that people notice and talk to other people and approach others.

As i try to motivate myself to do all this, i was surfing on the net on some relationship issues and socialising i stumble on this rather simple website, which somewhat came quite close to what is was looking for.

Regardless of the reasons for our fears, initiating a conversation is hard for many of us. If it is for you, reduce the inhibiting anxieties (see the next step) and practice interacting with lots of people. The best advice is to be serious (genuine) and straight-forward but friendly, don't be loud, critical or flippant. A sense of humor helps but it isn't necessary. Don't be a clown and don't grandstand (make loud remarks so bystanders can hear you "making a move"). Think out, in advance, what you can say, don't "wing it." There are new books coming out all the time in this area (e.g. see Kahn,1996; Gaber, 1992; Martinet, 1991, and others listed below or in your library).

Something about direct approach...

Perhaps the best opening comment gets straight to the point, "Hi, I'm Clay. I've seen you at... and I'd like to get to know you better. How about coffee or....?" Another example might be: "Hi. Doing the laundry wouldn't be so bad if they served popcorn and beer while you wait, right? (Wait for a response.) Would you like to have a beer or a coke?" Attractive males and females can take this direct approach. It is honest and, thus, appealing to both women and men. But if personality and sincerity are your strong suites (not your looks), then you may need a chance to display your strengths first before asking for a "date."


And on indirect approach....
Zunin and Zunin (1988) illustrate several indirect approaches, i.e. you want to get acquainted first and then consider asking for a date. Women usually prefer to take this safer approach. One can start a conversation by asking questions (What do you think of the concert...tax reform...the new cars? What happened in class today?), giving compliments (You made a really good point.), exploring common interests (Do you play tennis?), making funny comments (Did you know recent research shows that standing in long lines increases your libido?), being courteous (Can I help?), or giving a common "line" (Haven't we met before?). In general, make a comment about the situation or about what the other person is doing, give a brief reason for your comment (do some self-disclosing) and ask the other person his/her opinion (Gambrill & Richey, 1985). Be modest, don't come on too strong. If the conversation continues, later you can propose doing more things together. Try both direct and indirect approaches. See what works best for you.

OOH... i think i need this HANDLING ANXIETY.

In many cases, fears are more of a problem than lack of social skills. A lack of confidence may have to be overcome before we can have the successes that build confidence. There are three basic approaches to the emotional (anxiety) aspect of this problem. If the tension threatens to disrupt the conversation, you can use (1) desensitization or relaxation techniques before and during the interaction (see chapter 12). At the first sign of disruptive anxiety, take a few deep breaths and tell yourself to relax. Maybe even leave the situation for a moment to regain your composure. (2) A useful cognitive restructuring method is called "adaptive relabeling." Rather than saying to yourself "I'm going to panic, I can't do it, they will think I'm weird," you might think, "I'm excited about meeting him/her, it is a challenge but I can do it, it's good practice." Remember, the important thing is not to avoid anxiety but to continue interacting smoothly. So, tell yourself, "Think about the conversation, not the silly fear." (3) Other similar methods, such as self-change instructions (method #2, chapter 11), stress inoculation (method #9, chapter 12), and challenging irrational ideas (method #3, chapter 14), are helpful in reducing tension, guiding your behavior, and keeping your perspective realistic. It is not awful if someone turns you down. It doesn't mean you will be unloved forever. It means you should keep trying.

Ok....this is interesting

"When meeting someone, you are mostly "selling" yourself, seeing if the other person is "buying," and looking for a way to continue the interaction, if both are interested."